Here’s a headline from the Bangkok Post in December 2017: Thailand tops road death ranking list.

So, guess where I live?

I used to drive around in Australia, one hand on the steering wheel, checking out the scenery, singing my fave tunes—you know, just cruising. Then I moved to Thailand. Now I have a two-handed, sometimes white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel. I’m constantly checking my rear-vision mirror, side mirrors, rear vision again. And instead of singing, I’m usually cursing up a storm.

It’s almost unbelievable, the things that happen on the roads here. First of all, nobody gives a good goddamn about road rules—they just make up their own. Here are the “rules” Thai drivers are actually following:

1. If there are three lanes, somehow try to make four.
2. Never use your indicators. Under any circumstances. Bad karma shit will happen if you touch that stalk!
3. Once you start driving, slowing down/stopping are to be avoided at all costs. If something is in the way, immediately veer into the next lane. (NB: adhere to rule 2 above regarding indicators.) (NB2: Unless you are in a merging lane. This is the only place you should stop. Stop in the merging lane and wait for absolutely nothing. When traffic picks up, merge slowly. Driving. Miss. Daisy. Slowly.)
4. If you can’t be stuffed going ‘round the long way, just drive down the wrong side of the road into oncoming traffic. (Hazard lights are magical and will protect against collisions.)
5. If there’s a U-turn, do not go around in single file. Line up alongside the first car, blocking the driver’s vision. And when all four of you make the turn together, switch lanes and try to take out as many people as you can.
6. Jam as many family members as humanly possible onto your motorcycle. Don’t forget grandma, the dog, and the two-week-old baby. Everyone must balance on one ass cheek only. Make sure no one holds on to any part of the bike. Preferably they should be eating/applying makeup/texting so their hands are otherwise occupied.

Now, in addition to all this nonsense going on up above, some roads are utterly craptastic. You can be driving along a highway doing 110-120 km/hour (can’t go much slower—you’ll just cause trouble since everyone else is flying along) and all of a sudden you’ll come across something you didn’t expect. It could be a sharp rise and fall in the road that makes your stomach do a swift trip up to your throat and back down, carnival-ride style. Or you’ll hit a hump that canes the crap out of your shock absorbers and makes the passengers in the back leave their seats and smack back down again. When I ponder why this is a common occurrence on Thai roads, I’ve come to this conclusion. One road building crew starts at one end. A second crew starts at the other. They meet in the middle and go, “Ah shit, there’s a difference in levels!” They say, “Mai bpen rai,” which is the equivalent of an Australian saying “She’ll be right, mate.” And they just bung a load of concrete over to cover up the difference.

My most recent close calls in traffic:

1. I was driving along a highway (eight lanes total, 4 in each direction) and came around a sweeping curve to see a concrete truck coming right at me, taking up my lane and half of the next lane over. Let’s just say, much mayhem ensued.
2. Guy decided to come out of the service station and drive the wrong way down the road. He turned out of the driveway just as the driver beside me and I were almost upon him. The car next to me immediately swerved into my lane. Natch. I had nowhere to go but right, and very narrowly avoided going headfirst into a deep concrete-lined ditch.

I was in a car accident years ago. A driver sped through a red light and T-boned me. When I think of the long and painful aftermath of that accident, I shudder. I do not want to be involved in another one of those. So when dudes come at me and almost send me sailing off into ditches, I get very cross. No, that’s not really strong enough. It vexes me, greatly! No, not quite right. “I kill you, you mother**kers!” Yeah, that more accurately describes how I feel.

In Dominic Piper’s second novel, Death is the New Black, there’s a car chase. During which, private investigator, Daniel Beckett, manages to stay quite calm—considering he has no choice but to do some driving the wrong way down one-way streets. And he has loads of cars coming at him from the opposite direction.

And BOOM—there’s the connection! You guys were thinking I’d put the wrong title and image at the top of this post, weren’t ya? Tsk. I must say your faith in me is truly humbling.

Anyway, while all this is crazy car-chase action is happening, Beckett’s able to have a bit of a chat with the female car owner about her underwear. Smooth guy. Very smooth.

I’m thinking…while navigating these nightmare Thai roads, if I had Daniel Beckett in my car chatting with me about my undies, things might not be so bad. I’d be all like, “Ditch smitch.” And concrete trucks? Well, they can just kiss my ass.

Apart from car chases, there’s a whole lot of other stuff going on in Death is the New Black. Which reminds me, I probably should get to that review I promised. Here it is:

Five stars. I want to shout about this series from rooftops. It’s a shame standing on rooftops makes me so nervous.

I loved Dominic Piper’s first book, Kiss Me When I’m Dead. I started reading the second book before I wrote the review for the first. One thing I NEVER do is call a book early. However, for some reason (most likely my improved detective skills following the reading of the first book), I said this: “It looks as though it’s going to be another brilliant piece of work from Dominic Piper.” And I’m pleased to report that I was correct.
Being right is so fabulous.

There’s a lot to love about the Daniel Beckett PI Series books.
1) Writing style
Dominic Piper’s writing style is utterly captivating and nothing short of brilliant. The wit is dry—very dry. And it gets me every time.

2) The protagonist
At the conclusion of book two, Daniel Beckett is still somewhat of a mystery. The author is cleverly revealing the bare minimum about the character. As a result, Beckett is one of the most intriguing characters I have ever read. One thing we do know for sure: Daniel Beckett is a total badass. I mean that in the best possible way. You’ll need to read the book to truly appreciate the level of this guy’s badassedness.

3) Drama and action
Death is the New Black is action packed and full of drama. This author knows how to do thrilling and suspenseful.
In one part of the story, I was so caught up in the unfolding drama that I yelled out loud in the presence of other people. I’ll try to explain, but it’ll be difficult because I don’t do spoilers. Here goes. I was fervently wishing for Beckett to do…this particular thing…to one of the bad guys. I knew it couldn’t happen because it would be extremely bad for the protagonist’s health. (Read: dude’s gonna die if this goes down.) But then it did actually happen in a different way and I yelled, “OMG, take that (insert bad person’s name here)!” And I got some funny looks. Eh, whatever, things like this are bound to happen while reading a Dominic Piper book.

4) The plot, secondary characters, and all of the other things
Full marks for all of them.

Now, some people might be offended by Beckett’s “womanizing ways.” My advice—for whatever it’s worth—is just go with it. Enjoy the ride. Women find Beckett attractive. He likes them back. Everyone’s happy. No one gets hurt. Except for the bad guys. They get hurt. Real bad. But seriously, there are things about Beckett’s thoughts on women that I feel the need to point out. One is that he finds something to appreciate in each of the women he meets. I’m giving him brownie points for that. Also, no matter the women’s career choices, life choices, vices/sexual proclivities etc., Beckett never judges them. Ever. A large number of brownie points right there.

So, I recommend that you read this book. I absolutely loved it and hope you will, too.

I’m going to go out on a limb and make another prediction. I think the next book will totally blow my mind.

It’s just a feeling I have deep in my bones.

*looks askance*

*fidgets*

Okay, full disclosure—I’ve read the next book in its entirety. And…IT TOTALLY BLEW MY MIND!!!
I’m not telling you why, yet. You’ll have to wait for my Femme Fatale review. Being kept in suspense might be good for you. Just think of it as training for reading Piper’s next book. You’re gonna need it.
You really, really are.

*rubs hands together and laughs maniacally*

* * * * *

So there you have it—another amazing must-read from Dominic Piper.

DEATH IS THE NEW BLACK BUY LINK

Oh, do you want to know what Beckett looks like?

Course you do!

I saw this on social media. The author said, “Meet Daniel Beckett.” I spied hair at the top of the photo and couldn’t scroll fast enough to finally get a look at this mysterious character.

 

 

 

Yeah, that’s what I said.

#sodamnmysterious #drivingmecrazy #needmorebeckettasap

 

 

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